Yog-Sothoth Affinity
Department of Esoteric Personnel Assessment
The Examination Beyond the Threshold
Sixteen questions will determine which of eight powers might find you most suitable: Yog-Sothoth, Nyarlathotep, Cthulhu, the King in Yellow, Dagon, Hastur, Azathoth, or Shub-Niggurath. A sufficiently cautious candidate may yet achieve the rare distinction of being ignored by all of them.
Yog-Sothoth
Nyarlathotep
Cthulhu
The King in Yellow
Dagon
Hastur
Azathoth
Shub-Niggurath
This examination is fictional satire inspired by cosmic horror. It does not assess mental health, religious belief, personality, ancestry, aquatic aptitude, susceptibility to forbidden names, metaphysical entropy, fertility cults, woodland mutation, or actual suitability for supernatural transformation.
Question 1 of 16
Preliminary ontological screening
Examination complete
Nyarlathotep Affinity
Cthulhu Affinity
King in Yellow Affinity
Dagon Affinity
Hastur Affinity
Azathoth Affinity
Shub-Niggurath Affinity
Affinity ranking
Administrative note: high affinity does not guarantee apotheosis, cult seniority, residence in R'lyeh, admission to Carcosa, membership in the Esoteric Order of Dagon, permission to pronounce Hastur in committee, appointment to the Court of Azathoth, adoption by Shub-Niggurath, aquatic respiration, preservation of Euclidean geometry, cosmic purpose, mammalian taxonomy, or continued possession of a singular and legally recognisable nervous system.